16 months ago Kyle left his job at Neighborhood church, for political reasons there, but mostly personal reasons between the two of us. He left to come work with me at TeenRescue, the boys absolutely love him.
The job description didnt satisfy Kyles call to ministry. Often times I heard him saying that he wished for something more. I however, love my girls up there too much to care what the job description entailed, so I continuously chose to brush off his comments. I kept telling him it would get better.
In July Kyle completed one year of working at TeenRescue, and that is when he made it very clear that he wanted to start looking for other jobs, it still hadnt gotten better.
This really upset me. I thought he was being selfish.
Took me some time, but in August I humbled myself and actually listened to my husbands heart, convicted by the fact that I often dont listen to him with the same sympathetic and discerning heart as I do others.
When I did, I realized the pain he had from feeling un-purposed.
Many times we have spent praying for God's direction and guidance, knowing that He has plans for us, but at a loss of what they were.
So, again, we committed to intentional prayer each morning together, and each fasting for a week- but this time our cry out was for unity, not direction. We were over the idea of knowing where we were going, we wanted more than anything to want the same thing, whatever that might be.
During that week the Lord shared a promise with me several times, "I will bring them to you" He kept saying.
I didnt know what that meant, but I knew it was a very different concept from what I had always wanted to hear, "I will send you."
(Through this whole heart transforming experience, I have learned that part of my desire to be sent was because I was convinced of my inadequacies. I believed God couldnt really use me here in America, but not many are willing to go, so if I went, then I would be useful. I was wrong. I know that now. Even though it is still hard to say out loud. I know that I am worthy to be used and loved, worthy only because I know that I am unworthy and that it is Christ in me who does Kingdom work. I really have nothing to do with it.)
Most mornings I wake up and choose a place on the big map we have up in our room, whatever random place I feel like and pray for it, sometimes cities, countries, continents, even oceans.
The week after our fast I went up to the map, and was drawn to pray for Florida, in that moment I realized that I had yet to choose someplace in America! I mean, I pray for places in the states all the time, but in that specific routine of mine, I had NEVER chosen a state or city, or the country of my own. Can you say CONVICTED? (I am a selfish jerk sometimes)
My heart for people in third world countries is different than for us in America, and while I knew that was wrong, that is how my heart had been geared for so long I didnt even realize it anymore. Not that I have less passion to love on broken American people, but it is a different kind of passion.
A child that knows Him is a child that knows Him, their location, struggles, fears, past, is unimportant in contrast to their salvation. DUH
So, as I am praying for Florida, I just can not stop thinking about it, usually I spend about 5-10 minutes praying for the place then move on with the rest of my routine, but this time, Florida would not get out of my head. Texted a few people I know there to check in, thinking the Spirit might be leading me to reach out to them but everything was fine. So strange.
Confused, and a little annoyed, I went into the kitchen where Kyle was emptying the dish washer (he's amazing, I know) and said, "ugh, maybe we should look at jobs and move to Florida, I cant get the place out of my head" he laughed. I didnt get it.
He then slowly and carelessly says "well, I applied to two jobs there last night!"
I was immediately panicked, I know God works in these kind of crazy ways, and I love when he does, and this is what we prayed for, to be on the same page, but FLORIDA?!? I responded with "We agreed you could look into places to work, not actually apply!"
The rest of the story is filled with many mini anxiety attacks, multiple mourning sessions of uncontrollable tears, overwhelming excitement, miracle after miracle, of God doing what only God could do.
Ultimately I am relearning something, that the Lord has been teaching me for years. That I am His, and He will do with me as He pleases- nothing I do or dont do will stop Him.
I am so grateful that His determined pursuit of me is more stubborn than my determination to run and hide.
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